feeling lucky...

i just got my results of last sem a couple of days ago. and i just wanna say that i was really lucky to have achieved the results i did. it wasn't perfect but it's still much better than i expected... =)

a trip down south

i traveled south with ly today, headed to port dickson (it's the nearest beach available). actually, i've always wanted to go on a road trip with her. plus, i've just realized i've never watched the sun set beyond the horizon before. i left home about 4:15 in the evening, and the trip took about 80 minutes.
well, nothing much happened in the trip, so it was basically a good, relaxing day out. but for me, it was an important trip. as you might have noticed, i've stopped blogging for a while. it's not because i was busy or lazy, but just the fact that i'm in no mood to write, or talk. i've suddenly lost the zest for life. i have even considered breaking up this relationship with ly. depression probably. my life became a routine cycle. the same events repeating day after day. however, this trip reminded me why i was with her in the first place. it made me realize that i was taking her for granted all this while and how much this relationship means to the both of us.
hopefully, i will be able to turn over a new leaf after this. no more depression. no more frustration.
back to the trip. even though i was unable to actually see the sun go down, blocked by some stupid clouds, the view was still spectacular. and to be able to witness that with ly by my side made it even more memorable. it felt good lazing by the seaside. a new environment, the smell of the sea breeze. refreshing.
i have no idea why but a good, long drive always feels good. i just love the feeling of cruising behind the wheel. not too fast, not too slow... so, so relaxing... =)

metaphorical pic...

i just like this pic a lot. somehow, it is me and ly. from the colour to the taste.

holiday blues...

i've had a busy holiday ever since it started on the 5th of nov. can't remember a single night in which i've stayed home. i should be ecstatic but surprisingly i find myself feeling kinda blue. i don't know why. probably i should spend a few days at home instead...

well, ly is gonna be having her exams soon (it's gonna be over in a weeks time), so i'm hoping things will get better...

actually, before the holidays started, i wanted to blog daily. but now, i just don't have the mood to get anything done. nothing appeals to me. and this blog seems so... dead. i know. coz that's exactly how i'm feeling, which is weird. i should be happy but i'm depressed. how can that be? this situation is really beginning to get on my nerves. i wanna write a bloody long entry but my mind just doesn't allow it. what the hell is wrong with me?

time to learn...

ok, the previous post, i was just testing on how to post a pic on my blog... i really have got no idea on how to do it... kam, how do you put a pic on your profile? and do you use 'hello' to post your pics on your blog? man... i wanna learn... but i am LAZY... and kam, if you dun mind, how do you actually change the template of your blog?

anyway, today i had fun... played football from 9 to 11... pm! hahaha... my parents think i'm nuts... now, i'm dead tired and my bed's calling me, so today's entry will be an extremely short one... hahaha...

ps: the questions above are not directed to kam alone... if there is any kind souls out there willing to teach, i'm willing to learn... =)

testing...

me and ly at bukit tinggi

back... and blogging...

i'm back at last... man, that has got to be the worst exam week ever... it was so depressing and stressful... and i definitely do not want to remind myself bout it, so i won't say anything till my results are out... anyway, i'm grateful it's over...
so let's see, one month for me to kick back and relax... i've already made up on lost time - been paying need for speed underground non-stop for the past two days... i didn't even wanna come online... hahaha...
plans for the holidays...
1) sky-diving with jason though we might face some problems coz we can't find anyone else with enough guts to join us... they only hold classes for a minimum of 5 ppl... =(
2) spend as much time as possible with ly. she has helped me so much through my exam week even though she's down with fever... she has always been there for me, supporting me when i'm emotionally drained... and the fact that she has exams coming up next week makes it even worse... man, i miss her sooo much... muacks!
3) meet up with old friends for a drink since it's generally holidays for everyone around here... =)
4) play as much football as possible...
5) go out on a road trip with ly... it's been so long since we last spend time having fun... =(
6) go on at least one road trip with friends (min 100km away from my house)... Especially if that sky-diving plan doesn't take off...
7) ermm... i'll think of something else later... =)
well, if half of what i planned takes off, i'll consider this holiday a good one... hahaha...

time for some updates on myself - first of all, my decision on the scholarship. i rejected it. don't ask me why. i don't know if it's the right thing to do but that's what i did. i went to consult 2 of my lecturers before i made that decision and both of them agreed that i should not accept the scholasrship. and both of them seem to have more confidence in me than myself... that's strange... however, according to them, with my results, it's better if i keep my options open... and they said that i'll have a brighter future if i'm not bonded... well, only time will tell if that's true...

i wonder if i'll live to regret that decision?

dessert, anyone?

i was so damn stressed up this evening that i decided to treat myself to something nice. after going through the kitchen, i finally made myself an experimental dessert which turns out to be surprisingly tasty. here's the menu for those adventurous souls:

1/2 cup of strawberry ice-cream (preferably with a bit of sour sensation - not those extremely sweet ones), 1/2 cup of vanilla ice-cream, 1/2 cup of red wine (chilled), 1/4 cup of red sparkling juice (chilled) and 2 table spoons of rum.

try it. it's delicious!

i officially name it - the stress terminator! (i know, the name sucks but what the heck...)

dilemma

i haven't really written bout what i've been up to lately so here's a quick recap...

remember the competition that i was gonna join that i mentioned about before? well, i ended up joining three of them. one invention comp, one robotics and one graphic design (with Pro/Engineer). don't think i stand a chance winning any of them though. but i guess the experience would count for something. i'll let you know when the competition gets going. right now, everything is just in its planning stages. well basically, finals is coming up so no one's concentrating on it.

besides that, i've been on a scholarship interview last week with Genting Sanyen Power. i've been rejected so many times (5 times actually) that i went for this without any hopes at all. surprise, surprise... i got a phone call this morning informing me that i've been offered. i should be happy but i'm in a dilemma. well, here's why...

1) i'm currently on loan with ptptn. they are giving me RM 16,500 every year (one semester - RM 8,250). this is my third semester, so basically i've already received RM 24,750 and i've used up most of it for tuition fees and stuff.

2) now GSP is offering me a scholarship worth of RM 18,000 a year. however, they have told me that they will only reimburse ptptn for one semester. this means i will have to find a way to return the RM 16,500 which i received for the first 2 semesters. and part of the scholarship terms is that i will have to work for GSP for a minimum of 5 years.

3) here's the catch - one of the terms under the ptptn loan is that i will NOT be required to pay them anything IF i manage to graduate with a first class degree. the first class degree in uniten is a cgpa of 3.5 and above. my current cgpa after 2 semesters is 3.97. if you don't understand what i'm talking about, ask a friend of yours studying in a malaysian university... =)

so, there you have it. i think i'm able to graduate with a first class degree, therefore, if i continue with the ptptn loan, i will not have to pay anything and i will not be tied up with a 5 year contract. BUT if i fail to graduate with a first class degree (it is very possible), i will end up with a RM 66,000 debt which i will have to pay for.

and if i receive the scholarship offer from GSP, i will still have a huge debt of RM 16,500 but i will not have to worry bout the rest of my studies years (2 1/2 more years to go). furthermore, i will be tied down with a contract for 5 years in which i have to work for GSP. there is the good and bad in it. the good - the economy is bad these couple of years. a guaranteed job is as good as anything. at least i won't have to worry bout being unemployed. the bad - being tied down for 5 years. i can't further my studies if i want to. and i'm more interested in doing R&D and probably part time lecturing. i don't think i'll be able to do that in GSP.

so what do you think i should do? i haven't got a clue. anyway, i will be briefed this saturday. i will make my decision after that. hopefully it's the right one.

ps: my final exams are really drawing closer. i've got papers on the 3rd, 4th and 5th of november. this added to the fact that i've got lots of assignments stacked up means i'll really be disappearing for a while. but i might be writing more articles/poems... =)

messed up

i screwed up my final paper today. not because i do not know the answer, but i just didn't have enough time. it's probably my fault - lack of sleep, lack of practice and a lacklustre build up to the paper. half way through the paper, i just wanted to give up. don't remember feeling so defeated for a long, long time. just when i thought everything was going on well for me, my confidence is shattered again.

damn.

mind games

Drowsy, my mind floats
Destination: unknown
It’s far. That I know for sure
Away from this routine life

It ain’t used to be like this
Or was it? I ain’t sure
My mind’s been playing me
Tricks and treats all day

It used to be exciting
No. It’s Exhilarating
But I ain’t happy was I?
Depressed or frustrated
Choice of the day

The pace has slowed down
Not as much adrenaline rush
No more pumping fists
Or rushing blood to my temples
Something’s missing

Happy I’m not
Neither am I depressed
Or frustrated. Weird.
I thought I knew what was best
Guess I’m wrong. Yet again

lighten up?

ly says my entries are too negative and the words are too heavy... is it true? the one thing i wanted to avoid from the start is to sound negative and to give the impression that my life sucks... it's tough (my life) but it's not that bad... heck, if it's smooth sailing all the way, what's there to enjoy right? anyway, i'll try to lighten up a bit more in my next entries...

let loose...

ever had that feeling where you just wanna let go of everything you are doing, screw all the things going on around you and just go wild? i'm having a huge dose of that right now... a couple of hours ago, i really wanted to just let go of everything i'm doing (it basically involves studies only) and just go wild... the thought of having a drink in bangsar/ hartamas while having a puff of smoke seems sooo inviting... which is weird considering the fact that i don't smoke...
why do i like drinking so much? hmm... i'm not an alcoholic, that's for sure... i think i like drinking because of the atmosphere... similar to the reason why i like to have a cup of coffee at night with my parents... i just like the company and the time spent together... that has a side effect though - i've been really addicted to coffee, can't function without it.
so back to drinking. i enjoy drinking because of the ambience of the place. obviously i choose the place i drink and i have a few favourite spots. it's not any of those loud discos with blaring techno beat blasting from gigantic speakers. one of my favourite spots (a special spot for ly and i) is an outdoor joint where they are dimly lit and they play soft, relaxing music. i dun mind techno beats either, i enjoy them, but at an acceptable decibel. that's why i enjoy drinking only in certain places.
another reason? i enjoy watching people. observing the way they dress, the way they talk, the way they act. makes you realize the world is such a beauty. so many types of people living together. it's really fun. but the main reason - the company. friends. they are a gift from god. who else to share your joys and despairs over a bottle of beer? (actually with a bunch of friends, i don't mind spending the night out in a mamak stall... hahaha...)
well, whatever it is, i'm just trying to make an excuse for me to take a break from my books (good old blog, what would I do without you?) as well as an excuse for my drinking habit and hopefully this urge to go wild will find someone else to haunt (at least for this 5-6 weeks)... after my exams, i will welcome it back with arms wide open... hahaha... as for the urge to smoke... i haven't figured that out yet...

acceptance...

for another month or so, i won't be able to post so frequently (not that i'm doing it now anyway)as my finals will be around the corner... i do wonder how i'm going to get through the papers this semester as i've been in a particularly lazy mode throughout classes this time around. i doubt if i even got past third gear at any time of the semester (except while i'm playing football... hahaha...) but, i've gotta do it anyway...

i do realize something however... whenever i'm feeling pressured or depressed, i do seem to be able to perform better. when i'm depressed especially, it seems to trigger my creative side. for instance, i've been feeling particularly down the other day when i wrote "hope" and "unfinished article" was written at the end of last semester when everything seems so lost. i wonder if those articles are any good? my friends told me they are but i have doubts if they are just saying that to make me feel better. i've got low confidence so don't blame me.

which brings me to comment on an article my friend wrote on his blog. he was writing about people showing off their abilities and achievements. about people who crave appreciation. i've read in a magazine that it is a normal psychological pattern (especially with the male species) that we just want to be the strongest, fastest, biggest... you get the flow... as to appreciation, we are emotional beings. we don't actually crave appreciation but what we actually do crave is acceptance. we want to be accepted. no, we NEED to be accepted into our society.

on my personal opinion, is acceptance really that important? is is a big YES. look around you. do you know anyone who is always alone? chances are everyone you know seems to belong to a group of friends. and if there is a person who craves personal space, chances are he will be "labeled" as a loser. i know coz i've been there. well, no one actually called me a loser before but i know how depressed loneliness can get you to feel. when alone, a minute of waiting feels like an hour but with a friend, an hour feels like a minute. einstein's theory of relativity. hahaha... however, if my articles are good, i might appreciate that depressed feelings more as i will then be able to write more and who knows? my articles might be worth a fortune one day... damn... it's 12 noon and i'm still dreaming...

ok. enough crap. right now, i'm in my uni's comp lab and i've just completed my lab report due tomorrow. the reason i'm not already speeding home is that there is this innovative invention competition being organized and well, my friends and i are interested. the briefing for the competition is at one so here i am, with nothing much to do... the competition is actually an inter-varsity competition so being the low-confidence creature that i am, i don't know if we have what it takes to compete. furthermore, i'm only in my third year so what do i know? anyway, i'll just attend the briefing and i'll post further updates over here...

well, i guess i should stop "trying" to blog with an empty mind which is resulting in so much crap and instead, try to prepare for my coming final papers... hahaha... easier said than done... but i'm going to try anyway... so it's g'bye for now...

hope

Running out of inspiration
Failing flame in this withering soul
Not even a spark of life
It feels so empty, so lifeless
What has gone wrong?

Here I stand, faced with a junction
A daunting choice ahead of me
Never knowing what the future holds
As certain as the greatest legend
As certain as the most magical myth
I do not know. I never will

Is this the right path?
The right choice?
Will I live to regret it?
Joy and sadness fills the path behind me
What lays in front, waiting in the darkness?

I hope for my path to be alight
I hope for happiness, satisfaction
That’s all there is right now
Hope. Just a flicker of hope

Yes, there is hope yet
There certainly is
As certain as the brightest star
As certain as the purest moon
It’s all that keeps me going
The hope for a better tomorrow

ps: it's ok if you don't get the meaning. don't worry coz i don't really know what i'm trying to say myself.

sick

the title speaks for itself. need more rest. =þ

take a break

had a great time with ly today. spent half the day wrestling her and had a little swordplay (with two umbrellas... =þ). really can't remember the last time i laughed as much as today. it pretty much explains the reason i'm still with her... she brings out the child in me... hahaha... love you...

however, as great a time i had today, i realized too that my holidays are over. back to my routine life. sometimes i'm just so sick of life in the fast-paced world. whatever happened to "enjoy your life while you still can"? i wonder how many of us took time out to notice the changes around us? i myself just found out two days ago that the huge, ancient tree in front of my house actually does shed twice a year! it's a beautiful sight when the leaves were blown away by a gust of wind. i can't believe what i've been missing for the past years (i've been living on the same street since i was born). another reason why i treasure her. she made me realize that life is not all about seeking perfection. sometimes, life already is perfect. we constantly complain about the little imperfections surrounding us that we often miss the bigger picture.

growing up, i have had many regrets. but none of it hits me as hard as this - "damn, i rushed through it that i didn't have time to savor it". they say opportunity only knocks once. you've gotta grab it while it's still there. true. but today is only today for today. you'll never get another 4th of september 2004. when tomorrow comes by, today will be yesterday. so take a break. look around you. savor the moment before it's finally gone forever.

i've been rather lucky till now (i know i complain a lot but hey, we humans are never satisfied right?). god has blessed me with many wonderful moments that i cherish dearly. if i was given a chance to live my life over, i probably will choose the same steps that i took in my life till now. sure it's filled with it's ups and downs, but it has shaped me to be who i am today. with my family and ly by my side and my friends to rely on in times of trouble (there's only a few but they are the best buds anyone can hope for), there's nothing more to ask for anyway.

i just wish for the intelligence to treasure those who really care for me. they are more important than any treasure money can buy. way above all the good grades you can hope for. these souls are the pillars of my life. you know who you are. thank you for everything and sorry for all the things i did to offend you.

what if?

ever had that time in your day when everything just ain't working your way? when everything seems so messed up and there is nothing you can do about it? well, i face it all the time. and later that night when i lay on bed, i'll usually have some silly thoughts of how my life would have been if i were someone else? what if i pursued my interests further? where would it lead me to? well, i have two favorite images of myself.

image one - a professional footballer

i can hear all those laughters a mile away. but hey, i'm really passionate about the game. and i like to think that i'm good in it. at least it's the only thing which i won't say NO to... i've always wondered how cool it would be to play in front of 15, 000 people (let's face it - in malaysia, that's as good as you get). to score that wining goal (or to miss that last minute penalty)... but i never had the guts to pursue that career further. i guess i'm just too afraid to find out that i'm never good in it anyway...

image two - singer

wipe that sarcastic smile of your face... i said it was just an image. and i love music. especially the ones that touches me emotionally and the ones where the lyrics practically speaks to me. i hate songs that were written just for the sake of producing a song. i've always imagined my music to touch and change the lives of others (especially teenagers)... but lets be frank, i really do not have that talent in me. and i do believe singers are born, not made. since we're in this topic, i would also love to be able to play the guitar like crazy... hahaha.. that would be nice... in the mean time, i'll just have to stick to singing in the privacy of my room....

as silly as it sounds, to have these dreams do help me go through my really bad days (on the worst days i turn to ly and my friends...) but that's all they will be - dreams... i can't afford to make an effort for my dreams to come true. i can't bear the consequences if i fail... so it remains as just another dream... what if...

feeling good...

reflecting back on the past two days, i'm in a better state right now... spent the better part of my sunday with ly and in the evening had a good game of futsal (although it leaves my body aching and my legs bruised)... and yesterday i spent the night with jason and seow (it was supposed to be our independence day but we weren't really bothered)... my three passions (ly, friends and football, in that order particularly)... hahaha... it does wonders in soothing the waves of emotions in me...

right now, i'm listening to silk road by kitaro for the fifth time. it's an amazing masterpiece. when i was younger, i have always avoided this piece. it always made me cry, i have no idea why. and now, it makes me reflect back on all of my past experiences. tonight, i just want to enjoy it's beauty. and i want to reflect back on the better parts of my past... till next time...

at war...

This is the fourth time I’m trying to write an entry and finish it. The previous four was deleted half-way through, which explains my absence for quite some time. Didn’t know why but I just didn’t like what I was writing. I’ve been in a war with myself these couple of days. Personality indifferences and emotional conflicts made my day. I wonder if it’s just me or do every hormone-charged teenager goes through the same hell? These couples of days was horrifying, nothing made sense to me.
One moment I was happy, relaxed. The next, I’m tensed and pressured. Taking into consideration that my exam is finally over, I should be at ease. Especially given the fact that I didn’t even put any sort of pressure on myself and preparation was at a minimum. So what’s wrong with me?
Probably it has got nothing to do with my studies. I assumed it’s about my studies coz that’s what they tell me. I’m feeling depressed so I find someone to talk to. It’s your studies they say. I’m feeling tensed. It’s your studies. I’m not in the mood. It’s your studies. Well, that’s how people around me care for my well being. Hahaha…
Recently I had a conversation with my lecturer. It was after a two hour lecture and I was leaving the class when he approached me. He asked me if I was having any problems. He said it’s showing on my facial expression throughout the class. He also said I dun seem to be present emotionally. I told him that I was just pressured with all the exams. The truth is I dun even know what’s wrong, what’s really bothering me. And after that, I wondered why the people I cared for never asked me that question before? If my lecturer can question me about it, why can’t my friends notice it? Makes me wonder if I really have any true friends after all?
This brings me back to a question that’s always been on my mind. Does anyone see me for who I am? I like to think of myself as a person who does what he think is right and not what everyone wants him to do. Thus i won’t be surprised if I find people who misinterpret my intentions. But what I want to know is, is there even a single person out there who truly understands me and sees me for who I am? Throughout the times, I have always fought back the urge to voice out this question. I guess I just did not have the guts to find out. Well, I better post this one before I decide to delete it… I’ll be back with more posts in a better mood…